Deciding if you need to separate or divorce is one of the most difficult decisions that a person can make. Most people get married and dream of living together for the rest of their lives. They create the “story” of how they want their lives to be. If your story is not moving forward as planned, you may think divorce is the only way to get out of the bad situation. You may be told by family or friends that calling a lawyer is your first step to figuring out what to do. Lawyers are not in the business of keeping families intact. You need a process that helps you focus on identifying the problems in your marriage and creating a plan that works toward healing the marriage. You do not want to start a divorce process that you are not ready for.
As an attorney who has spent most of her career handling family law and matrimonial cases, I can assure the reader that divorce resolution processes like Mediation and Collaborative Law are far better than litigation. The courts are not the place for family disputes, custody and parenting issues, and problems in a marriage.
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, United States Supreme Court has said “The courts of this country should not be the places where resolution of disputes begins. They should be the places where the disputes end after alternative methods of resolving disputes have been considered and tried.”
Ending a marriage has emotional, financial and legal consequences. Divorce “fall-out” touches not only the couple that is divorcing, but it also impacts the children of the parties, the parties’ parents, extended family, friends and religious relationships.
Staying married has emotional, financial, and legal consequences as well. If you are at the point of asking should you separate or divorce, you have already acknowledged that you are in trouble in the marriage. It is very important to get outside help to determine whether separation and divorce is your only option. Help may be available through counselling, religious support, family assistance, or
Marital Mediatiuon.
Marital Mediation can also be called “Mediation to Stay Married”. This is a relatively new method to help people improve their marriage and avoid divorce. It uses mediation techniques in a series of meetings with the couple and a family mediator experienced in marital mediation.
If I have already done counseling and it didn’t work, why would I use mediation?
Marital Mediation is not counseling or therapy. If a couple is already in marital counseling, religious counseling or any other kind of counseling or therapy marital mediation can still move forward. Marital Mediation is more goal directed. It is a process that is led by the couple with the guidance of the mediator. It is voluntary, private and client driven. It is a practical approach to resolving the marital disputes using dispute resolution techniques. The trained mediator creates a safe and private place for the couple to identify and discuss the issues that are hurting the marriage. The goal is to create a plan that the couple can use to change the behavior that is hurting the marriage.
Do I need an attorney to do marital mediation?
You are not required to have your own attorney to do marital mediation. Your first call should be to an experienced mediator who will provide you information about your options when you are thinking of Divorce. Some Mediators, like myself, are also Attorneys. The attorney mediator is neutral professional who will work with both of you to teach you how to communicate about the issues that bring you to mediation, and help you build a path toward a future together.
If in the process of marital mediation, you want more information about your own legal rights and obligations, you may want to consult with an attorney to advise you.
Will marital mediation help me decide whether we need to separate or divorce?
Marital mediation can help you explore what the problems are in your marriage. If you and your spouse can’t reach an understanding about a plan moving forward together, then you may choose to end the marriage. It is not the Mediator’s role to tell you what the right thing is to do. You will learn about options and potential consequences so you can decide for yourself what you want to do.
What are the goals of marital mediation?
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To help the couple examine the root cause or causes of the conflict in the marriage and then make a plan to change things.
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To teach the couple constructive ways to communicate, so they can be open to hearing the other party’s concerns and suggestions so that they can gain a better understanding of each other.
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To assist the couple in finding a way to stay together, address their problems, and keep the family together.
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To allow the couple to have fully explored whether they can commit to the changes that need to be made to keep the marriage intact.
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To create a written agreement for the parties that will be their game plan going forward.
What if we aren’t able to follow the plan or it doesn’t help and we need to go forward with a divorce?
If your Marital Mediation does not help keep your marriage together, you may decide it is time to go forward with a divorce. You do not have to go to court for your divorce. As an attorney who has spent most of her career handling family law and matrimonial cases, I can assure the reader that divorce resolution processes like Mediation and Collaborative Law are far better than litigation.
Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, United States Supreme Court has said “The courts of this country should not be the places where resolution of disputes begins. They should be the places where the disputes end after alternative methods of resolving disputes have been considered and tried.”
The courts are especially not the place for family disputes, custody and parenting issues, and problems in a marriage.
If you would like further information about Marital Mediation or would like to schedule an appointment to begin Marital Mediation please call me at 585-377-5487 or email: julie@jmersereaulaw.com
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Written by Julie V. Mersereau, Esq., Attorney Mediator and Collaborative Law Attorney. Ms. Mersereau focuses her practice on Family Mediation, including Divorce Mediation, Marital Mediation and Elder Mediation, and Mediation regarding other family system issues. She is also a trained Collaborative Lawyer.
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